The Update Transformed

My Favorite Albums of 2010

2011-01-04T22:09:00.000-08:00

2010 was a great year for music. When beginning to write on my favorite albums of the year, I went back to see how many 2010 albums I had bought. I had bought over 60 albums and EPs from 2010. Of course, this doesn’t include the many other albums and tracks I surfed through and opted not to buy, or artists I haven’t even discovered yet. So, this is my list of my favorite albums of 2010 as of December 31, 2010. To avoid trying to rank them, I have my ten favorites in alphabetical order by artist/band. And a word of advice . . . go buy them. You’ll thank me later.

Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

Sometimes I can’t believe. I’m moving passed the feeling again.

This year had some great albums from trusted bands like The Black Keys, Vampire Weekend and The National. It’s great to see bands that had their stars rise during my time in graduate school continue such a great output. Perhaps the band that best fits into this category is Arcade Fire. On their third album, Arcade Fire produces amazing songs that we’ve grown to love from them. What I love about Arcade Fire is that it’s a multi-talented band that does not rely on one vocalist to carry the full album. Win Butler is the usual front man of the group, and he totally sells songs like the title track, but when Regine Chassagne takes the microphone for Sprawl II, we get a different tone and a different outlook. It leads to a very full, rich album with many emotional ups and downs, heightened further by dramatic yet effective orchestration by Owen Pallett. Listening to Arcade Fire is like watching the sky right after a rainstorm. The clouds might be there at the start, but through a slow progression, the clouds open and the sun ends beaming on your face. Thanks to a long road trip home, I was able to listen to the album in full. It is the most drivable album of the year. It’s meant for road trips and long runs.

Tracks I Love: The Suberbs, Sprawl II, Rococo

Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid

This is a Cold War, You better know who you’re fighting for.

An android from the future on a mission to save the planet Metropolis. This is the premise for Suites II and III that compass Monae’s album. It continues the story begun on her 2008 EP, but you don’t need the past EP to realize the full brilliance of Monae’s stunning 2010 concept record. On the surface, Janelle Monae is a dynamic 22 year old R&B singer with a promising future. But as the music begins on the opening track, it becomes clear this album is anything but a straight forward R&B record. Monae smoothly transitions into tracks that incorporate funk, hip hop, folk, electro-pop, glam, big-band jazz, rock and orchestral music. Albums like Monae’s risk becoming kitschy or laughable, but Monae’s personal talent along with her skill to choose gifted collaborators leads to a strong epic that gets better with every listen. Monae’s strong voice shows remarkable depth and maturity, reaching emotional moments rarely found in such a young musician. She’s the real deal, and this is her coming out party.

Tracks I Love: Faster, Cold War, Tightrope (featuring Big Boi), Make the Bus (featuring Kevin Barnes from Of Montreal)

Comments on the Live Show: Janelle Monae came to the Granada Theater in Dallas this year as the opening act for Of Montreal. Of Montreal has a reputation for putting on insanely over the top shows that are a sight to behold. I sensed many of the audience were there early to get a good spot for Kevin Barnes and crew to put on a spectacle. Little did they know that the opening act would put on one of the most stunning shows one could ever hope for. A group of friends and I met outside the Granada between acts, and we all seemed to be searching for words to describe Monae’s set . We settled on the fact that we were left speechless. Though no clip would ever do Janelle Monae justice, here is a small sample from her performance on the Letterman show this year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMyc148Do_Q

Jonsi - Go Do

You grow, you grow like tornado. You grow from the inside. Destroy everything through. Destroy from the inside.

The front man of Sigur Ros went solo this year, and the result was a memorable album. Sigur Ros albums have a way of slowly developing, sweeping you under with their spell. They are almost mystic in quality, enhanced by the fact that most lyrics are in Icelandic. For Go Do, Jonsi chooses to write all his lyrics in English, but the transformative impact still remains. Using patient minimalist qualities to let his music grow, Jonsi creates a full soundscape that envelops the soul. Jonsi’s voice is like no other in music today, and all for the better. It grows like a tornado, but the only thing it destroys is the listener’s anticipation for something typical. He is a crucial, unique voice in music today.

Tracks I Love: Go Do, Tornado, Grow Till Tall

Comments on the Live Show: Jonsi came to Verizon Amphitheater in Grand Prairie and I feared it would sell out early. Unfortunately, it was on a Monday night, and the crowd was a bit small. I didn’t feel the venue was the proper one for Jonsi, but he made the best of it, utilizing amazing visuals that corresponded with his music. It was a spiritual experience to hear his soaring vocals live. I tried to find a clip that would give you an idea of what it’s like to see him live, but none did it justice. Sigur Ros rarely comes to the States on tour, but next time they do, jump on tickets. You’ll thank yourself.

Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Let's have a toast for the douchebags. Let's have a toast for the assholes. Let's have a toast for the scumbags, every one of them that I know.

Kanye West is not a likeable guy. There are numerous public appearances by Kanye that have made him look like an arrogant, pompous, self-absorbed asshole. What’s great about Kanye is that he’s self-aware of his reputation, and on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, he admits his faults and his damaged public persona. The result is a powerful personal album by Kanye that provides the witty and well-constructed lyrics we’ve learned to love along with powerful musical hooks that we can’t resist. Kanye has learned through the years that singing is not his strong point, and he wisely chooses guest artists to fill in so he can stick to what he does best. The glaring exception to this decision comes on Runaway, and all for the better. Runaway is a tour de force in song writing, perhaps the best track of 2010. The song starts with basic simplicity, one note on the piano growing into a basic motif that underlies the full song. Soon, the comfortable rhythmic structure develops and Kanye begins his lyrics, a realization that his faults have caused him to lose a woman. It’s humorous at one level, a brilliant insight on how Kanye views himself at another. Kanye’s singing voice has a tendency to seem forced and weak, but on his track, it seems in a groove. Towards the end of the track, we still hear the repetitive chorus, but Kanye chooses to use distorted auto tune to create his voice as another instrument. You can say words over and over again, but sooner or later, they fall on deaf ears and their meaning is lost. Kanye West uses the electronic tools at his grasp to create a strong statement regarding the sad end of a relationship due to the faults of one person. Genius is an overused word, but using it to describe Kanye West is not farfetched. Every arrogant statement he makes is backed up by brilliant artistry. He is quickly becoming a legend, and for good reason.

Tracks I Love: Power, All of the Lights, Lost in the World, Runaway

The Moment I Knew I’d Love this Album: Kanye West always seem to make an impression, no matter if it’s good or bad. I eagerly anticipated his SNL appearance this Fall to see what he’d do. He did not disappoint. Here was his second song of the night, Runaway. Captivating.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-jr8ft7br8

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor

It sounds like we would have had a great deal to say to each other. I bet when I leave my body for the sky the wait will be worth it. I love it all . . .
There were a lot of great, young bands I could have put here instead of Local Natives. Morning Benders, Sun Airway and The Drums all came out with great albums this year and I was very tempted to put them on the list, but I kept coming back to Local Natives. Having discovered them earlier in 2010, I found myself referring them to friends constantly. Their album just has so many strong tracks, led by Airplanes. If I had Airplanes on vinyl, I would have already worn out 2-3 records by now. Local Natives isn’t breaking new ground with this record, but they are great song writers with a promising future. Think early Grizzly Bear with a touch of catchy harmonies from the likes of Fleet Foxes and the dodos. I saw Local Natives at Sons of Hermann Hall (perhaps the best venue in Dallas), and they totally had the crowd wowed. They have great musical chemistry and they are full of energy without being forced. The album hits some slower points towards the second half, but with so many strong singles from the first half, it’s nice to see some versatility from the group. They’ve got staying power.

Tracks I Love: Airplanes, Sun Hands, Wide Eyes

Youtube Exploration: I had heard Airplanes from KEXP Song of the Day Podcast, but went to Youtube to explore further. This clip sealed the deal for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVMyHUgylkU&feature=related

Owen Pallett - Heartland

My senses are bedazzled by the parallax of the road. I concentrate to keep contained the overflow.

Finding a quotation to describe this album or my review of it was pretty hopeless. Pallett might be the most challenging yet rewarding lyricists on my 2010 list. I decided to choose one of the many lyrics that Owen writes in his songs that you would not find in anyone else’s songs. I find it’s a statement of just how creative and talented Owen is. I had the pleasure of seeing Pallett live twice this year, and though the venue and crowds were complete opposites (an almost empty Granada Theater and a packed House of Blues Theater where he opened for The National), he managed to put on a great show both times. Owen Pallett has been providing orchestration for Arcade Fire albums for the last few years, but on his solo work, he advances his skills to a totally different level. Mastery of syncopated rhythms, fine orchestral arrangements, lyricism, strong and memorable melodies are all combining with a healthy doze of drama to make it all work. Pallett’s album could have bordered between a strong concept album and a precious little pet project, but his sheer talent leaves little doubt that the album is a great piece of art. It’s what a concept album should be.

Tracks I Love: Keep the Dog Quiet, Lewis Takes his Shirt Off, The Great Elsewhere, Lewis Takes Action

Comments on Live Shows: I first saw Owen Pallett early on in the year at the Granada. He was the headliner on a Tuesday night and the crowd was small but faithful. He is the master of looping, and with his violin, created a great orchestral sound. The second go around, Owen got me a comp ticket (thank you sir) to The National show which he opened. The crowd was HUGE at the HOB, and I’m glad it was, because a lot of people got introduced to Owen’s great live show. Even though the crowd was most involved during Pallett’s cover of Mariah Carey’s Dream Fantasy, I heard many after his set complimenting his unassuming demeanor matched with his dynamically dramatic and engaging music. I had planned to skip out on Morning Benders to see The National, but after being a bit underwhelmed with the beginning of The National’s show and with Pallett’s endorsement of the young kids, I drove frantically down to Oak Cliff to catch 6-7 songs from the Morning Benders. Worth the drive. Owen makes great music and he knows great music. So, check out this clip from Youtube. Not only surprisingly great quality, but also amazing to see him defy the stage crew and staff by continuing to play while it’s storming. Pretty good stuff!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7WxTP3ger8

Robyn - Body Talk

I'm just gonna dance all night. I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line. Stilettos and broken bottles, I'm spinning around in circles.

2010 led me on a definite attempt to open myself up to dance music. Thanks to strong recommendations from Pitchfork, I was able to find such artists as Caribou, Delorean, Hot Chip, and many others. Amazing albums all, but no artist or band produced more addicting dance songs this year than Robyn. Originally releasing 3 individual EPs this year, Robyn chose to collect some of the best songs from each EP and combine for a full Body Talk album. I bought this late in the year, but it’s the album that I can’t stop playing (not only because it’s so good, but because it maintains my reputation with my gay friends). The most rewarding part about Body Talk is that not only are Robyn’s songs incredibly hooky, she also writes lyrics with depth. Take for instance the break out single Dancing on My Own. The song is totally danceable but it gains real power with lyrics discussing the aftermath of a break up. Good dance music does not have to be just about great hooks and a great beat. Robyn is on top of the dance scene because you can dance to her music at the club, then go home and realize how much you can relatable the lyrics are

Track I Love: Dancing on My Own, Indestructible, Time Kills, Call Your Girlfriend

To Be Continued: I’ve got tickets to Robyn’s show in Dallas in February. I’m very excited to see how she is live. I’ll make sure to bring wear a low v-neck American Apparel shirt, my dancing Toms, and perhaps a headband. If you don’t have tickets yet and want to go, get them soon. Major league dance party expected.

S. Carey - All We Grow
More than skin and bones. No we’re not alone. We Fell. Like Stones. Between.

If I had done my list back in October, this album would not have made it. Even after seeing S. Carey open up for The Tallest Man on Earth, I was still a bit undecided on the album. In early preparation for this posting, I went back and listened to this album again. Sean Carey is the drummer and background vocalist for Bon Iver, and you can certainly see the impact of Justin Vernon on his music. Yet, S. Carey takes minimalist ideas to the extreme, expanding musical motifs and lyrical thoughts into expansive tracks. There’s something beautiful about his simplicity. I have found myself close to tears while listening to certain tracks on the album, especially We Fell. Like the Jonsi album, this album slowly sweeps you through its amazing soundscape . . . it just does it at a slower pace. It’s a challenging album, and it requires incredible patience, but it’s worth the effort. It’s beauty simplified.

Tracks I Love: We Fell, Mothers, In the Stream, All We Grow

Comments on the Live Show: The Cambridge Room at the House of Blues is an excellent venue for listening to new artists. S. Carey opened for The Tallest Man on Earth. I felt a bit unprepared for S. Carey because I had just heard 2-3 tracks prior to the concert. More on Tallest Man later, but S. Carey maintained a very subdued pace to his set. It was a bit of a challenge, but as the set grew to a close, I began to realize this was a very talented artist. Thank goodness for opening acts with talent. Looking back, it was the best multi-act concert I went to this year.

Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

I’m not fucking around.

When I found out Sufjan was putting out a new album this year, I got giddy. Illinois is one of my all-time favorite albums, and Sufjan’s albums prior to his masterwork have proven him to be a brilliant artist who is never afraid to take a risk. It’s hard to say what a typical Sufjan album is because each has its own moments of experimentation and exploration, but most became fans of Sufjan upon hearing Chicago from the Illinois album. The first track of The Age of Adz, Futile Devices, provides what most people would think of as a typical Sufjan Stevens song. Beautiful acoustic song with Sufjan’s voice singing a simple melody. The last line, “Words are futile devices” is the starting point for the most adventurous, unpredictable, unexpected Sufjan album yet. Inspired by the art of schizophrenic artist Royal Robertson as well as Sufjan’s personal struggle with a serious illness, the album evolves as a concept album with major peaks and valleys, with Sufjan relying heavily on electronic music. And yes, Sufjan even breaks in with some auto-tune, most notably in the 25 minute final track, Impossible Soul. Indeed, Sufjan is breaking away from any niche that he had been labeled as, allowing his subject matter to take him to levels of sound and fury never thought possible by this modest, humble performer. And indeed, when he sings “I’m Not Fucking Around” during I Want to be Well, the listener knows Sufjan is serious about this exploration. Within this roller coaster ride, Sufjan slips in some classic melodic phrases that he’s known for, but this is not an album that leads to hit singles and memorable tunes. But, it is an album that challenges the listener and has so many layers that multiple listens lead to a multitude of discoveries and rewards. This is the kind of album that makes me want to write about music. This is the kind of album that takes the ideas of John Cage, Steve Reich, and other 20th century classical music visionaries and brings it to pop music. At first listen, I felt this album was a solid transition album by Sufjan. After 15-20 more listens and a live show, I think it’s a masterpiece.

Tracks I Love: Futile Devices, The Age of Adz, I Want to Be Well, Impossible Soul (thought listening to the album with individual tracks doesn’t do it justice)

Comments on the Live Show: Sufjan Stevens played McFarlin Auditorium on the SMU campus. It’s a different kind of venue and I expected something similar to Sufjan’s show I saw back in 2006. I had some inside information on the set list thanks to a website, but was still not fully prepared for what was to occur. It was obvious many of the people at the show were expected Sufjan to play some of his greatest hits along with some tracks off The Age of Adz. Instead, he started with a song from the Seven Swans album, then broke into a full hour of music from The Age of Adz, including the epic Impossible Soul. Of course, when he finished the set with Chicago, the crowd breathed a sigh of relief, but for that one hour, I felt discomfort along with amazement and disbelief by the musical and visual spectacle of the show. It took me back to watching Doctor Atomic by John Adams at the Chicago Lyric Opera. The ending was so dramatic, so breathtaking that the audience was filled with a mix of stunned silence or stunned awkwardness of what to do. When music breaks boundaries and does the unexpected, it leaves us wondering how to react, shell shocked in a sense. I would never claim that this new album is for everyone. And I don’t think it’s wrong for people not to like it. But, years from now, we’ll be looking back at this work as an innovative and masterful piece of art. If Sufjan waits another 5 years to make another album, I hope the end result is amazing as The Age of Adz.

http://pitchfork.com/news/40793-video-sufjan-stevens-does-the-robot-on-fallon/

The Tallest Man on Earth - The Wild Hunt

Let us float in the tears, Let us cry from the laughters. When it's not for some sake and the city's not near. Well now, you're going back. You’re going back. You’re going back.

Let the comparisons to Bob Dylan begin. Kristian Matsson is The Tallest Man on Earth and it doesn’t take long to understand why people compare him to the young Bob Dylan. Armed with an acoustic guitar, great melodies, poetic lyrics and quite honestly, a very sexy persona, he seems to embody Bob Dylan circa 1964. Yet, you never get the sense that Matsson is trying to channel Bob Dylan. Each of his songs on The Wild Hunt have a unique quality to them. It’s stunning how each and every song is so engaging. They seem to be just the right length, and honestly, this album might have the best collection of tracks of any album this year. His voice seems harsh at first, but as you begin to listen to the album, it’s hard to imagine any other voice giving the truth, the clarity and genuine soul that Matsson gives to each and every song on this album. An added bonus, Tallest Man on Earth released an EP late in the year with tracks just as strong as those on the full length album. He’s got major staying power. Jump on board now.

Tracks I Love: Burden of Tomorrow, You’re Going Back, King of Spain, Kids on the Run

Comments on the Live Show: Cambridge Room at House of Blues Dallas never sounded so good. After a solid opening set by S. Carey, The Tallest Man on Earth conquered the room. It was a great crowd and it was hanging on every single word sung. Dynamic, talented, catchy, dreamy. The guy just puts on a great show. Below is a link to his tiny desk concert on NPR. Just a taste of how great he is!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLRTleMY_mc

Honorable Mention (or 10 other albums worth checking out): Beach House - Teen Dream; Broken Bells - Broken Bells; Caribou - Swim; Delorean - Subiza; Gorillaz - Plastic Beach; Menomena - Mines; The Morning Benders - Big Echo; Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More; Sun Airway - Nocturne of Exploded Crystal Chandelier; Vampire Weekend - Contra

She Caved . . . Communism Here We Come!

2009-11-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

We've got 60! Let the games begin. Thanks to Blanche Lincoln, we can now look forward to weeks of drawn out speeches about why or why not we shouldn't fix the healthcare system. Wow, that gives us ALL something to be thankful for, right before the big holiday sharing the same name. Forget football, I'm watching CSPAN reruns of the debate on Turkey Day.

By the way, Blanche . . . if you're going to a wear a scarf, make sure you tie it properly. That's the way girls at my church back home wore scarves in 70 degree weather to Sunday morning church to cover up the hickeys from the night before. It didn't fool me then, and it certainly doesn't fool me now. I guess Harry Reid will do just about anything to avoid a filibuster.

Holiday Decorations

2009-11-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is not a typo in my title line. I said "Holiday" and not "Christmas". No, I'm not turning into a pagan. No, I'm not shunning my Christian roots. No, I don't think this is a left wing conspiracy to try to turn our nation into a communist AND Islamic state. I say "holiday" because where I work, there are plenty of Jewish clients who aren't really so keen on celebrating Christmas. SOOOOO, yea, I guess I'm going to Hell because I'm not bullying my shoe salesman at Nordstrom Off the Rack to say Merry Christmas when I walk in to glance over the Puma running shoes that I really don't need, but match so well with my running shorts. But, at least I fit in nicely with the NObama nation where inclusion leads to a government takeover of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. In fact, I just set up my appointment with my death panel this week. They fit me in for December 31, 2011, just in time to prepare for the debacle heading our way in 2012. Thanks for the 411 Mayans.

Due to some budget constraints at the hotel, the Catering and Sales Department were put in charge of Holiday decorations this year. Since I'm the young, quasi-tall (I work with several cast members of Darby O'Gill and the Little People), can't seem to say no to a horrible job kinda guy, i'm in charge of hanging the high stuff. So, I spent much of my day on Friday on top of a ladder. I don't really fear heights . . . I just fear not having adequate safety equipment to keep me from fearing the height. I tend to clutch onto the ladder like I'm Marisa Tomei receiving an Oscar, and I fear they'll realize there's been a HUGE MISTAKE before I'm done with my speech. Of course, this strategy doesn't assist when you're supposed to make sure a pine cone is fully facing the lobby door from it's perch on the lobby chandelier. The experience is further troubling when I manage to distrub the chandelier, leading it to make circular movements that take me into a tailspin of vertigo. I can only hope I look more like Jimmy Stewart than Lucille #2 when having a bout. Not that I look much like Jimmy Stewart, but I don't think I could match Liza's brilliant portrayal of an old broad with a case of the dizzies.

Fortuantely, the decorations are just about up. I'm sitting in my office right now, taking a break from stuffing fake snow into trees in the lobby. Nothing spruces up a fake pine like cotton balls! Plus, the left over glitter from last year has made my suit extra festive for my inspection of guest rooms. Now I can tell the housekeepers they are doing a FABULOUS job, then smile at the camera, adjust my candelabra, and start rolling arpeggios into a splashy version of Glitter and Be Gay. Plus, any glitter that falls off me in the guest room will instantly give the allusion of a complimentary upgrade. This will keep the guests from complaining about their window view of the parking lot. It's a lot better than a view AND a full soundtrack of North Central Expressway (remind me to send that thank you note to the Palomar).

Putting up decorations makes me realize why Bob Greer never hung lights outside the house. You see, holiday decorations always increase someone's foul language by 25%. I had several close calls at the elevators on Friday while I was hanging the garland over the doors . . . I'm not sure some of our guests would have appreciated by stern discussions with the less than cooperative greenery. Thank goodness for internal monologue. It especially helps when co-workers are talking about how great Glee is and how they could see me on the show. Let me give an example of a recent classic running through my head:

OMG, I'm totally into cheap schlock! Yea, it's really awesome when a football team shuts down a game to do a rendition of Single Ladies. Wow, like that song isn't over played already . . . I think there are at least 200 versions of sorry saps doing it on youtube, and all my facebook friends keep posting them. If it's not the version of the black girl with the mask hitting her head, I'm not into it. Which reminds me, why isn't the other football team kicking their asses while their dance? And why aren't the refs calling delay of game penalities? Oh yea, I forgot, Glee is all about FANTASY. Take your fantasy and shove it. I only watch show where real people do real things. You know, those non-scripted shows like The Hillz and anything Heidi and Spencer are on.

So, with obscenities subsiding, I write to you suggesting that this year, budget for someone else to decorate your home, workplace, or trailer park. It saves you a lot of trouble, gives you more time to drink, and keeps the little girl having her Bat Mitzvah celebration on Saturday night in the ballroom from hearing you say words she's only heard from her daddy has he tries to talk the balloon guy down from his original price quote for the tacky arch that will welcome guests to the party that looks like Pepto was just thrown up all over the room.

The Update is back. Get excited.

Is Obama's pick of Rick Warren OK?

2008-12-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, President Elect Obama has chosen Rick Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration in January. Many progressive groups find the pick insulting because of Rick Warren’s firm stances on issues of abortion and gay rights, especially his public support of Proposition 8. In the views of many of these liberal organizations, the choice of Warren leads to questions on whether Obama truly supports issues of social justice and equal rights that they support. Perhaps this is a sign that Obama is behind a more moderate, or even conservative movement regarding social issues.

As a personal advocate of more liberal viewpoints, I do not always agree with Rick Warren’s interpretation of the Bible or of the causes he choose to support because of his specific theological views. In fact, I would dare say that I think Warren is totally wrong on important social issues. But, this does not mean he is incorrect on all views and it does not mean he is a bad man. Warren has been a leader in important issues that the church has neglected for years . . . poverty in Africa and the AIDS epidemic to name two. Though we have theological differences, I believe Warren is doing his best to fulfill his calling of living a Christ-like life.

I know that most of my friends are up in arms over Obama’s decision to choose Warren to deliver the invocation. Frankly, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. The invocation is simply a 2-3 minute prayer at the beginning of the ceremony. No one in this country will remember a word Warren says 6 months after he delivers the prayer. He will not be preaching a controversial message or defaming any particular group. Most likely, his prayer will focus on our country’s need for peace and leadership, and for God’s help in guiding Obama’s hand as he leads the country. Keep in mind, Billy Graham has been the invocation “go-to guy” for many years, and he holds the same theological views as Warren. True, Graham has never campaigned for any particular proposition, law, or political candidate, but there is little doubt of his viewpoints on Biblical interpretation. Just because he isn’t as vocal about his views on abortion or gay rights does not mean he does not have the same opinions as Rick Warren.

I know these are stressful times for the nation. Proposition 8 has pushed gay rights into the forefront of public debate. Let’s stop for a moment. If Obama had picked a more progressive minister, like John Spong, to deliver the invocation, would the gay rights movement been progressed? Would this have strengthened the gay rights movement and encouraged activists about Obama’s plans in the next four years? Is Warren's presence really effecting the movement? Please note that in the event at Warren’s church during the campaign, Obama gave answers to Warren’s questions that conflicted with Warren’s personal theology. Obama chose to give honest answers rather than agree with a theology he did not believe.

So what does the choice of Rick Warren really mean? Perhaps there is a great truth we are missing here. Obama has been a great advocate of unity throughout his campaign, and during this transition period, he has been making choices that seem to reflect his desire for unity. There is no doubt that Obama and Warren do not agree fully on theological issues. Both men would admit this as truth. Yet, Obama sees Warren has an important voice that is respected by many Americans. Obama does not want a battle; he wants a discussion. He wants all viewpoints to be heard, and values the differences that make us an unique nation.

In a few months, no one will remember this incident. Warren will continue to lead one of the largest congregations in the country. Obama will be the leader of our country’s executive branch. Warren will still read the Bible with a literal translation and consider homosexuality to be a sin. Obama will have a more liberal view . . . but we don’t know how far he will be pushing this policy. After 8 years of an administration where differing views were discouraged and frowned upon, isn’t it time for a leader who values the American tradition of eclectic backgrounds and beliefs? In picking Rick Warren, Obama begins to bridge a gap with social conservatives who claim he is not in touch with their views and opinions. Liberal groups might not agree with the theologies and philosophies of social conservatives, but these individuals are Americans as well. Thank you for Barack Obama realizing that unity is vital for the health of the nation.

The major question we should be asking is if an invocation is even appropriate at a government function. By having a Christian prayer at the inauguration, we leave out millions of Americans who have a differing religious background. Of course, this is a Church/State issue that can be argued at a later point . . . but I find it intriguing to imagine if Obama was actually Muslim. As the growing number of Muslim Americans grows every year, perhaps we need to prepare for a larger controversy: an American president who is not a Christian. The landscape of America is ever changing, and we are truly living out history today. The best is yet to come.

My new obsession

2008-12-06T09:38:00.001-08:00

well, at least one of them . . . Oatmeal in any flavor gets me giddy!

Open Letter to Dr. Robert Jeffress of FBC Dallas

2008-11-10T17:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. Jeffress,

I had the pleasure of attending the 8:00 am service at your church yesterday. It was the first time I had ever worshipped at First Baptist Dallas, but the congregation reminded me very much of my home church of First Baptist San Antonio. I applaud your decision to address “Politically Incorrect” topics in your current preaching series by the same name. I’m sure we can both believe that Jesus Christ was never one to shy away from controversial issues that often times questioned the status quo. The Church should never be afraid to address issues that are controversial, for in most cases, these are the issues which are of greatest impact to our world. If the Church is to be a powerful force in today’s society, it must stand up for the truths and principles set forth by Jesus Christ. As Christians, we believe that Jesus Christ is the full embodiment of God, and therefore our most tangible revelation of God’s true self. Following his examples and teachings are vital to our own faith, and also lend credence to our own influence in our culture.

No matter your initial intentions, your Church gained a large amount of publicity regarding this week’s sermon entitled “Why Gay is Not O.K.” Considering your sermon series, this particular topic was a natural fit within the controversial topics of the series. Certainly the timing of the election, specifically with the decision of Proposition 8 in California, led to a more electric environment regarding this specific topic. I know that several members of our community opted to protest outside of your church on Sunday because they were in disagreement with your theology regarding homosexuality. I thank you for understanding that this group had a right to disagree, and encouraging your congregation to show Christian love despite having opposing views on this matter. Though I myself assumed that I would disagree with many of the arguments within your sermon, I decided to attend the service to gain a full understanding of your theology regarding homosexuality. I believe strongly that Truth is gained by coming to a better understanding of the many beliefs and practices of groups on all sides of an issue.

I have heard and read many of your arguments before. Exodus International has been a powerful force within the debate of homosexuality by using a fundamentalist theology as a way to find escape from “the homosexual lifestyle.” I have read numerous books and pamphlets from the organization, and their basic principles regarding Biblical interpretation echo the strong points you made within your sermon. The main passage quoted to defend fundamental interpretation of the Bible is 2 Timothy 3:16 which reads “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.” This particular verse was referenced in your own sermon regarding the importance and validity of all Scripture within the Bible. Therefore, this particular passage is used to defend the numerous passages of Scripture that are referenced to note the sin of homosexuality.

I must make a side comment here regarding translation of Biblical texts. I am neither a Greek or Hebrew scholar, so I cannot make an appropriate argument regarding the translation of Scripture from original texts. There is certainly debate within the scholarly world as to the translation of the word “homosexual” from original text, and whether this word was actually the true intent of original writers in any Scripture in the Bible. I think we can learn much from this debate, but I will not address it here, because it is not vital to the overall discussion within this letter. I would hope we could come to an agreement that there are many valid viewpoints on this particular topic and we cannot take for granted that certain translations give an accurate account of the original text and intent of Biblical writers.

Let me now address the major concern I had with your sermon yesterday. When discussing your first major point of the sermon, you voiced several times that “the Old Testament law is not for us (today).” I must admit, I couldn’t agree more. Many who argue that homosexuality is a sin reference Scriptures in the Torah to defend their argument. As you mentioned in your sermon, gay rights activists are quick to point out various Scriptures in the Torah that are outdated and irrelevant to Christians today. Certainly, these laws and practices were important to the Jewish nation during the time period, but are impractical for today. Of course, as you mentioned, many of these laws and practices were upheld by Jesus, including 9 out of the 10 Commandments. So what are we to do with those Scriptures that are outdated and are no longer to be practiced? Why are they still in our Bibles? Are they still profitable? Are they still available for reproof and correction?

I think we can come to an agreement that these Scriptures are vital for understanding the historical context of a society. We can see how the Jewish nation understood God during this time frame, and how they grew to know God through many generations as a people. It’s fascinating to see how far the Jewish nation had come by the time Jesus Christ arrived on the scene. Some of this was due to the acceptance of practices of other advanced cultures like the Babylonians and the Romans. Yet, others were essentially a progression based on a better understanding of God.

So, we can agree that many of the laws found in the Torah were out of use by the coming of Christ. True, Jesus Christ did not go line by line through Jewish law to inform Christians what could be thrown out. When Jesus said “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill (Matt. 5:17),” He was releasing the bonds from a somewhat oppressive set of laws and regulations. Yet, many of the laws and practices that were in place that we today consider sinful were still in place well after Biblical times. Two that are most obvious are the act of slavery and the treatment of women. One can look at Paul’s writings to see how slavery and oppression of women were still common place after Jesus Christ.

How could this be? Paul’s letter to Galatia makes one of the most universal, tolerant statements in the Bible, discussing that “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Gal. 3:28).” Isn’t that the true nature of Jesus Christ? No divisions. No labels. No race. No color. No creed. No nationality. No gender.

And here lies the great fault in fundamental theology. 2 Timothy 3:16 states that all Scripture is God breathed, but it never says it’s without fault. Between God and man, there is a human influence. Romans 3:23 states that “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”. How could an imperfect being write down Scripture without there being errors? Let’s take for example the Apostle Paul. It seems far fetched to believe that God was whispering words into Paul’s ears for him to write to those early churches. In fact, Paul had no idea that his letters would end up in the canon that we know today. Instead, he was writing advice to local churches based on his understanding of God. True, Paul had a wonderful relationship with God and his words have great power, but no one person can have a full understanding of who or what God is. Within those letters, there are errors and contradictions. How could the Church of Galatia be one in Christ when they still held slaves in their homes? How could the Church in Corinth be one in Christ if their women were to have veils over their head and be submissive to their husbands? I am not a theologian, and I’m certainly not a scholar, but there is simple truth that man is sinful, and therefore, imperfection is to be expected in man’s work.

In addition, the works of the Gospels were written several decades after the stories took place by writers who were not present for all, if any of the actual events. Most of these accounts are based on hearsay and stories from the oral tradition. Think of the game of “telephone” you played in grade school . . . by the end of the game, the message is rarely what it was in the beginning. This might be a simple example, but think of any story passed from person to person. Within this oral tradition, stories are expanded, details are added and subtracted, quotes are subjected to someone’s personal preferences. This is our Bible, a group of stories written down after years of passing down from person to person. The basic truths are there, but we would be incorrect to believe that every last word of our current translations is to be set in stone.

Lastly, keep in mind that even after this oral history shaped our Biblical stories, it was a group of men who sat down centuries later to decide what would be a part of the Bible and what would not. Some stories that were not considered to have divine influence were left out, while others remained. And in the case of the Apocrypha, many denominations of the Christian faith still consider these books as relevant. The human influence is heavy within the construction of our Bible, from the writing all the way to the development of the canon. Yet, we all agree that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. It is time we take a strong look at the divine nature of Scripture. Scripture is certainly inspired by God and contains Truth of who God is, but there are definite signs that certain Scripture should not be read literally. Although I have been able to address these issues only superficially here, I have found the thoroughgoing analysis of such scholars as Marcus Borg to be both insightful and formative to my understanding of these complex matters.

So, where does this leave us? Scripture might not be perfect, but it holds definite truths for us today. Certainly, the teachings and the example of Jesus Christ are the centerpiece of Christian understanding. Here is a man who sought social justice, love and peace throughout his time on earth. A man who sought out the least of these . . . who aided those who were hungry, thirsty, sick, poor. If we truly believe that this man was also God, shouldn’t we be following His example?

I wonder, could your interpretation of homosexuality be wrong? Could the Church in the 21st century be realizing truth that was not fully shown to the Church centuries ago? Could this be another progression of the Church shown previously in our move towards equal rights of all races and the equal rights of all people no matter gender? I feel the key to this issue is not about whether homosexuality is right or wrong. Rather, the key issue is whether our total view of what the Bible is and how it should be interpreted is right or wrong. Do we continue to live a contradiction of using Old Testament law only when it fits our specific purposes (or biases), or use it as a historical document that helps us better understand the Jewish nation coming to a better understanding of God? Do we continue to defend Paul’s writings as absolute truth? Or, do we open our minds to the possibility that Paul understood God within the times in which he lived; and we as the Church in the 21st century have the luxury of looking upon the world with more historical perspective than was available in Paul’s time? Do we continue to force our preferred Biblical texts to conform to our view of Christ, or do we see the amazing “political incorrectness” of Christ as a fulfillment of the law through love, peace, social justice, and the establishment of the Kingdom of Heaven on earth?

I pray that you will be open to as many options and viewpoints as possible. We will never gain a full understanding of God, but we must strive as those before us to better understand God and Truth so that those after us can benefit from what has been revealed to us. When we stop questioning . . . when we stop seeking . . . when we stop learning . . . we stop being. I look forward to the continuation of your sermon this Sunday. I might not agree with you, but I thank God for a country where we can have a healthy discussion on important issues.

Deja Vu

2008-09-28T15:25:00.001-07:00

I hope the Mets are getting some royalties off this one.

Looking to Increase your Stress Levels?

2008-09-25T20:06:00.001-07:00

For those of you looking to jump on the road to a heart attack, take some advice from Mr. Met. After the arrival of Johan Santana earlier this year, the fans of the Metropolitans were in high spirits. And why not be? A starting pitching staff with two future Hall of Famers at the healm (Pedro and Johan). Mr. Met was dancing a jig all over Shea!

So why the long face Mr. Met? Oh yea, your bullpen is the most pathetic sack of losers ever to share the mound in the Northeast. Seriously, I'd rather buy stock in AIG right now then put money on the Mets bullpen keeping a league.

As of this writing, the Mets just won a dramatic victory against the Cubs. The Cubs bullpen failed and the Mets held up. Totally bizarro. Three more games to go. All I'm asking is 2 out of 3. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the sake of my blood pressure.

Blackburn and Lemmon

2008-09-25T20:01:00.001-07:00

Ok Dallasites . . . here you are, driving on Blackburn and coming up to the light at Lemmon. It's 10:00 pm, and you're the only one at the light. It should turn green eventually, right? Right? Next time you're at the light alone, think of the above visual. 1. This damn light is never going to change. 2. I'd really like to get to Roundup soon so I can still get on the karaoke list. 3. I'm gonna run this f&#*ing light.

If you choose to stay at the light, just pray that 2 or 3 will be gathered in His name soon . . . becuase of you don't have a worship to the light, you're gonna be stuck at that wretched light until morning. Just another word of advice for the Update.

The Fuzzy End of the Lollipop

2008-08-26T17:24:00.001-07:00

Yep, it's been one of those days. As a child, I always wondered why my church had a single's adult class. I've begun to sense that I'm going to be stuck in it for a long time.

Though this time, I got a unique job. I got to be a segue! Damn, wrong graphic.

The Update Recommends

2008-08-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

Timetables! It's a totally kick ass thing to mention in a Presidental campaign to throw your opponent under the bus. We at the Update have been setting artifical timetables for years. Lately, it has been the promise that we will send out an Update once a week for all our faithful fans (or it is singular now?) Well, we at the Update promise that artifical timetables will continue, and we might be at it for another 100 years! It's the American way!

The 3 am Phone Usage Campaign

2008-08-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

By now, most Americans are fully aware that because of her hard partying habits, Hilary Clinton would still be up at 3 am to take a phone call when we finally find those WMDs in Iraq that the Dick Chaney claims are still around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-VFA7L2RcE&feature=related

Now, Obama has finally fired back. He might not be able to answer a phone call at 3 am, but he sure can text message!

While posing for cameras in flight to Springfield, Illinois, Obama took time out of his busy campaign to text all his good friends that his new BFF Joe Biden was going to run his foreign policy, order the firings of federal prosecutors, shoot a few friends on hunting trips, have secret meetings with Lucifer and other upper level demons, and make sure Halliburton makes shit loads of money. That's what Vice Presidents do, right?

Quite a unique way to let supporters know who your VP choice is, but it makes you wonder . . . maybe McCain was right? Perhaps Obama has more in common with Britney and Paris than we think

I don't know where Obama ranks in the realms of text messaging experts, but he's got to be up there with these two. This campaign is like totally hot. Now, Obama just needs to hire someone to tell Joe Biden how to work those jazz hands. Holla at your boy! It's Obamalicious

The Update Recommends

2008-07-19T16:16:00.001-07:00

Pickled Okra! I just found some in my 'fridge that I bought several months ago. I can't believe I forgot about it, but it was a nice Saturday afternoon surprise! Here's to a healthy alternative to my wicked dietary past of beef jerky, Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate muffins, Bambino Huey, and custard filled chocolate donuts. Though, I might note, Bambino Huey is wickedly good. I will give any Update member a free autographed picture of Allen Edwards and a free ticket to his show at the Golden Corral in Branson, MO if they can ship me a case of Bambino Huey. It'll be like the Amazing Race, except with more bedazzled American flag vests!

Podcast Obsession

2008-07-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Once again, Jonathan Greer attempts to rise from the ashes like a phoenix, promising his "once a week" commitment to his readers which has been failing since 1999. Almost 10 years later, the Update again makes this promise, with a great leap in faith. The New Deal includes:

1. A new blog entry at least once a week.

2. I will change Lacy's link on my site. Soon.

3. Repeal Prohibition

4. I will continue to post links to great blogs of subscribers.

5. Indian Reorganization Act (boosting FDR's policies with more casinos)

6. I will now be using Twitter to inform readers of new blog postings. Sign up today! The e-mail I'm connecting to my Twitter is jonny_greer@yahoo.com

This Christmas, I finally gave into the Ipod craze and bought a Nano. I now use it daily, whether it is at work, on my commute, or when I don't want to listen to my crazy roommate bitch about the skanky girls in our complex's gym. Now 7 months into my Ipod ownership, I have found myself becoming fully addicted to Podcasts. The following are the Podcasts I now subscribe to (in alpha order):

APM: Sound Opinions on Demand - Boasts it is the only "rock and roll talk show" in the world. Found on many public radio stations, it is hosted by two music critics from Chicago. The guys know their stuff, and their "Buy It, Burn It, Trash It" system of rating albums has got to be one of the best around. Of course, they said to only Burn Coldplay's new album, so they aren't perfect. Great podcast, usually 50-55 minutes in length, once a week. A must for rock and roll lovers.

Baseball Confidential: Weekly podcast based at the Baseball Hall of Fame. They have an interview with individuals associated with baseball . . . sometimes players, sometimes broadcasters. Very interesting, relaxing podcast. Usually 50-55 minutes in length. Great for baseball buffs.

Bill Moyers Journal Podcast: Audio from the Bill Moyers Journal shows on PBS. Bill Moyers is a damn good journalist. I find him very fair and balanced, and he lets his guests do the talking. He plays devil's advocate and throws out tough questions, but I find him very level headed. Plus, he talks about TOUGH issues like climate change, racism in America, the mortgage crisis. Hour long programs that I think should be required for everyone in America.

Book Review: A newer one on my list. New York Times book review podcast. Short 15 minute segment goes over new books on the market. It would be useful if I read more. But, gives me good ideas of what I should be buying.

Common Sense with Dan Carlin: Sometimes a bit campy, Dan Carlin likes to take on issues of the day (somewhat like Bill Moyers), and discuss them at length. Dan is pretty fair and balanced, but he gets on soapboxs a lot. He's pretty down the middle politically, and I like his angle. But sound effects and poor audio can make this frustrating. They last around 45-50 minutes.

Dan Carlin's Hardcore History: Brilliant podcast. Dan Carlin will take a piece of history and discuss it at length. Shows last an hour to an hour and a half, but you feel SO MUCH MORE intelligent afterwards. The guy really does his research and really puts a nice perspective on history and how it relates today. Only comes out about once every two months, but always great for long drives.

ESPN Baseball Today: Daily podcast for ESPN baseball team. The two hosts are avid Phillies fans, which really chaps my hide. But, I can get updated on last night's games and get pretty good analysis. Can't wait to see what they say when the Mets win the divison.

ESPN: The B.S. Report with Bill Simmons: Funniest sports broadcaster ever. My buddy Geoff suggested this guy to me, and I finally gave in despite the fact that most of his podcast last an hour and a half. They are available once a week, and though Simmons doesn't really stay on the topic of sports, the guy is freaking hilarious. Great commentator on life . . . I wish he was my BFF.

iTunes New Music Tuesday: Essentially a ploy for iTunes to sell more music. But, good way to find out what music is coming out each week. Occasionally, they mention someone obscure that gives you faith that iTunes isn't pushing Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers down our throat. By the way, Jonas Brothers are a major guilty pleasure here.

KEXP Song of the Day: Once a day, a new song. Always off the beaten path music . . . most is a bit odd, but occasionally there are diamonds in the rough

The Moth Podcast: Best podcast on the web. Period. Once a week, a new program is posted . . . about 10-20 minutes in length, it includes a person simply telling a story from their life. Some are better than others, but for the most part, they are freaking hysterical. Story telling is an art, and most of the participants are brilliant. If you want a good start, go download the 7/11/2008 edition featuring Michael Rips entitled Lost in Translation. One of the best stories I've ever heard. I parked my car in the parking garage and stayed 5 minutes to hear the ending. Honestly, you can't make this stuff up. HILARIOUS

MSNBC Countdown: Not really a consistent schedule on this one, but Keith Olbermann is one of my favorites. I guess that makes me liberal? Even when I don't agree with him, I feel his arguments are well documented and argued, and I love his brutal honesty. Loved him on ESPN, love him more on MSNBC. He kicks O'Reilly's ass.

My History Can Beat Up Your Politics: Short program that thoroughly discusses a topic of history and relates it to something happening in the current news. Well researched, lots of history, very little commentary on how it relates to today. Leaves the listener the option of taking the history and deciding for themselves. Much appreciated, a rare gem of a show. Usually 15-25 minutes in length.

Naxos Classical Music Spotlight Podcast: Naxos using a podcast to sell albums. Sometimes good, sometimes BORING.

NPR: All Songs Considered Podcast: Great way to learn about new music. The host, Bob Boylan, can be a bit of an arrogant blowhard, but he has pretty good taste. He definitely loves music and loves sharing it. Podcasts are once a week and between 25-45 minutes in length

NPR: Live Concerts from All Songs Considered: Always broadcast from the 9:30 Club in Washington D.C., live concerts gives you full concerts of bands you hear on All Songs Considered. Usually 1-2 hour shows, sometimes including interviews. Great way to hear your favorites bands (the Nickel Creek concert was wonderful, but the exact same set I heard them play at House of Blues). Boylan hosts the interviews, which can be a bit taxing. But, great way to really get into new bands (like Fleet Foxes!)

The Onion Radio News: One minute headlines. It's The Onion. 'Nough said.

Paste Culture Club: Best music magazine around, also talks about movies and t.v. Paste is a great great publication, and this gives you some ideas of what to look out for in the next few weeks. Once a month, 25-35 minutes long. They need to have one once a week.

PRI's Studio 360: Kinda like Paste's podcast, but more mainstream and includes cultural segments that are hit and miss. Insightful at times, sometimes bland and boring. Always 50-55 minutes long. Once a week.

Slate Magazine Daily Podcast: Often times, this podcast is just an audio version of a written article in Paste. Most are good, some are horrid. The gabfests are what's best. 3 folks sitting around, either talking about political topics, cultural topics, or something else that's happening. Always entertaining discussions that only last about 30 mins.

So, there you have it. 19 podcasts that keep filling up my Ipod. It's a wonder I still have space for music! Please, go download the suggested podcast from The Moth. You'll fall in love.

Here's to you for reading this. I have about 7-8 Updates in my head right now . . . it's just a matter of getting them on here. Sign up for twitter, sign up for the facebook Update group. Brevity is for sissies.

Water into Wine

2008-05-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

Anyone who claims Jesus doesn't like alcohol certainly wasn't present for his first miracle. Imagine it . . . there you are at the fellowship hall of the Baptist church and the last flask has been emptied into the punch bowl. Everyone at the reception starts getting pissed because all that's left is that famous drink that includes a collection of some of the following: Pineapple Juice, Cranberry Juice, OJ, Ginger Ale, 7-Up, and of course, the Holy Spirit. Well, Jesus, knew what he had to do. We don't know if he said "Abacadabra or Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches", but we do know from our Southern Baptists friends that a magic wand nor pixie dust was used (the wand implies sorcery like that wicked Harry Potter, and anything involving pixies, especially Disney, is a ploy to force the Gay Agenda on our innocent youth).

So there you have it, Jesus spoke and wine was there. But do you ever wonder what kind of wine it was? Can you imagine Jesus speaking and a Cube from Target suddenly appearing on the banquet table? Or maybe it was a big jug of Carlo Rossi (the culprit of my first major hangover). From all pictures I saw growing up (which were usually those handouts that came in the teacher's Sunday School books and fit perfectly in those cardboard frames that could be posted behind them as visual aids during the group lesson), the wine was probably a weak Merlot or Welch's Grape Juice. One wonders if there was actually a sommelier present for the miracle.

Imagine it! Jesus turns the Evian Water into Turning Leaf Merlot. Someone at the party probably would have turned their nose up (probably an already sauced up Episcopal). Somehow, this important bit of information never made it into the New Testament, so my guess is Jesus did a good job. So, I'm a bit upset that our Baptist churches haven't caught on and keep giving me the stuff without a kick. I guess it's time to break out the flask . . . do you think Jesus liked Bushmill's? WWJD . . . What Would Jesus Drink?

Artistic Integrity

2008-04-24T21:51:00.001-07:00

Gene Kelly is one of the greatest entertainers of all time. Singin' in the Rain is one of the best movie musicals of all time, and it's one of several superb works featuring Mr. Kelly. But remember, even the greatest artists have to put food on the table. Next time you think about turning down a good paying gig, think of Gene Kelly and the following picture.

For further research, go to the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6uChtN8YcU

A 30 minute shower is suggested after viewing to fully clean off the feeling of filth you might sense by viewing such puke inducing dance numbers.

Kids say the darndest things

2008-04-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

My latest comment that got rave reviews at a recent Royal Lane Youth Adult Dinner:

"The Minor prophets are jealous of John Hagee's passion for the Day of the Lord"

Confessions of a Hired Gun, Part 2

2008-04-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

There is a great thing about Dallas . . . there are so many churches and concerts, and therefore, there is a strong need for singers! EVEN BARITONES! So, after my Palm Sunday appearance at the Anglican service at the Methodist service, I was off to secure Baptist influence in another congregation. This time the "Straight Way to Hell" Not-Southern Baptist Sponsored Singing Gig Bus Trip stopped at First Unitarian Church. Recruited by the director of Orpheus Chamber Singers, this job required me to sit in on two rehearsals and then sing at the Maundy Thursday service. No, that wasn't a typo. MAUNDY THURSDAY at a UNITARIAN CHURCH. I thought Unitarians were hippies . . .

Does Don Krehbiel look like a hippie? It takes a big man to wear pink, I'll give him that. But his hair is neaty placed and he is at the organ, not a bongo drum or acoustic guitar. I knew right away that this was NO traditional Unitarian Church.

After the first rehearsal, I knew there had to be some converted Baptist choir members. The sopranos were too busy talking to know what measure we were starting at, the basses were too clueless to know where to start, and the altos were busy bitching about the tempature and how they couldn't see their music. Oh, and of course, all a cappella pieces ended up at least a 1/2 step flat. Yes, this was just like the Baptist Church choir I learned about from Randall Bradley and Terry York during Church Music classes at Baylor. (Below find a picture of Terry York and a picture of some dude named Randy Bradley back from 1984 who was the first person to show up on my google search of Randall Bradley).

Of course, all good choral rehearsals lead to a performance. As a good ol' Southern Baptist, I had never attended a Maundy Thursday service. I just thought it was another way for Catholics to get depressed about their sin so they'd give more cash to the pope (seriously, how else would he be able to afford this FAGTABULOUS hat! Looks like he bought it off some streetside vendor in Castro. Too bad there wasn't a dentist close by. Yikes, I haven't seen such a bad display of chompers since the last BBC special on Earl Gray Lovers Anonymous).

So, the Maundy Thursday service began. Basically, a service with lots of readings and music. News flash: The Unitarian Church reads from the Gospel and doesn't use Eugene Peterson's The Message. In fact, though my ears heard some NIV-like language, I had visions of red letters popping up from their Bibles. And unlike most Baptist churches, the Unitarians dared to keep turning out more and more lights. By the end, it was pitch black in the sanctuary. I couldn't even see the tacky EXIT lights! Sure, it leads to more injuries, but at least there weren't any annoying warnings about setting the place on fire with candles in the hands of small children.

In fact, I nearly stumbled as I went down to take communion. Not only because of the lighting, but also because I didn't realize the Unitarians did communion! Turns out, they take communion on Maundy Thursday to remember the great lessons and truths of Jesus. I almost yelled "This is the Body of Christ broken for you!" but I figured I'd end up getting witnessed to with a healthy portion of peace and tolerance. Communion was instead a silent process where you actually looked into the minister's eyes as you took the bread and wine (grape juice, thank goodness). I can't remember the last time I looked a Baptist in the eye during a service. And if I did, I hope they didn't see that I had a hangover from the previous evening when they saw me out drinking shots at the local bar. And there, I saw the difference between Baptists and Unitarians . . . Unitarians aren't afraid to look you in the eyes, even at the liquor store.

So there we have it, another educational experience. I'm happy to report, there was no tree hugging and no dancing around a wooden idol of Mother Earth. Indeed, the Unitarian Church isn't as different as I had been taught throughout my childhood. In fact, I rather enjoyed it. Don't worry Harry Wooten, I will still be in the bass (and sometimes tenor section) on Sunday morning at Royal Lane (when I'm not out too late on Saturday evening). Thanks for reading, and remember: Brevity is for sissies. j. greer.

Update Sighting

2008-03-31T21:40:00.000-07:00

James Franklin was spotted earlier this evening at Northaven United Methodist Church. He is currently the Associate Director of Choral Studies at Sam Houston State University, and he is now reclaiming his position of "Update Heartthrob". It's rare to see someone sport a bow tie as well as ol' Jimmy. Here's to James, coming out of hiding to reclaim his lofty position. (This is just a pathetic ploy to get James to convince his friends to start reading my blog. If you want a shout out, just give me your business card. And learn how to wear a bow tie).

Lesson #4

2008-03-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

Finally, the last lesson promised in the original transformation alert. Back in January (which seems like forever ago), I went to Chicago to visit my dear old childhood friend David Portillo. For those of you who don't know David, he has come a long way from his stardom in the church musical "Storytellin' Man"

Fortunately, David still knows how to throw down the sass, especially when back stage at the Chicago Lyric Opera. That's right, the golden voice of the FBCSA children's musical stage is now a starlit in Chicago Lyric Opera's Young Artists Program. But, I still have more blackmail material . . .

Of course, this picture also puts me in a poor light (seriously, was I really THAT thin), but since I'm not on the road to opera superstardom, I think I can afford a bit of criticism.

My trip to Chicago was a huge success. This was thanks to David being a great host. It's not often that you can get free tickets to a new opera. Sure, it was Doctor Atomic, and sure, half the crowd left at intermission, but 4th row isn't bad for a very . . . well staged and well lighted production. The night we attended, John Adams (not Paul Giamatti) was in the crowd, and though I didn't get to meet him, I did get to see his beard and wondered if he financed his current production with a side job being Santa during the holiday season. I also got to see Peter Sellers (not Dr. Strangelove) . . . and well . . . his finger definitely saw some action with a light socket before the show. Only a man with hair like that would be able to write the libretto for Doctor Atomic. Anyway, great experience, watching history in the making.

So, I woke up on Saturday morning and had a bit of a rude awakening. Rude as in turning on the Weather Channel and realizing it was -8 outside! I opted to go into hibernation and not wake up until noon. The cruel news was it was still well below freezing and it was still snowing, so I bundled up and went out to brave the Magnificant Mile. Being Texas born and bred, I didn't realize that wind could be so hard, that it would make you cry! I felt like an imitation of my mother when she watches Steel Magnolias. Thank God I was around strangers so no one would make fun of me!

While in Chicago, I was able to hang out with some of David's "colleagues" from the Lyric. We went out to Martini Ranch on Saturday night, which is essentially a bar which only exists for total tools to get together and compare their Abercrombie outfits while slutty girls roam around for some drunk guy to go home with. We managed to find a booth that seemed to be reserved for the outcasts . . . Asian guy, South American girl, Hispanic guy, three homosexuals . . . you get the drift, the overall collection of the table DID NOT fit the typecast of the atmosphere. Yes, you guessed it . . . a receipe for disaster. Before I know it, our once "loveable, adorable" waitress rushed over to our table with bills, the management began a steady use of scare tactics, and we were kicked out. Now, this all happened because one of the minorities from Table Outcast complained to management that someone threw a beer bottle on the floor. Since the table with the beer thrower had bought a full liquor store worth of high end vodka and rum, Table Outcast was aufed. It was certainly an unfierce experience . . . David and I worried that our buzz would slowly die. Then, the gods shown down on us in Greektown in the form of . . . a PIMP! Yes, at 1:30 am, Portillo and Greer spotted a pimp in Greektown and the night was suddenly a success. I climbed into bed at the Drake knowing I had successfully had a great trip to Chicago . . . but there was more in store!

Sunday, I was fortunate enough to see La Traviata, with my dear friend David on stage with opera giants Renee Fleming AND Thomas Hampson. Stunning performance of a stunning opera. What could be better? Ah, that's easy . . . going to Renee's apartment an hour later for a party! That's right, I was at a party at Renee Fleming's house! And yes, I was super nervous. I attempted to say something witty to her about Blair Wooten being obsessed with her. She seemed like she cared as she served me another Heineken, which was most likely a ploy to keep me occupied. I had an awkward moment with Tom when I got into the apartment. We were all putting up our coats, and the coatrack was right down a very narrow hallway. I decided that two people could fit, and once I got about halfway down the hallway, I knew ther ewas no turning back. There I was, smashed against the wall, nervous as hell, as my junk got crunched up against Thomas Hampson's ass. AWKWARD! Fortunately, he forgave me and we sat down and watched the Giants/Packers playoff game together. He was too busy talking about himself and golf to worry about the action on the screen, but I was too busy drooling and stuttering to care. After a night of thrills and verbal spills, David and I looked to leave. I saved my best for last, befriending Renee's daughter because of the "kick ass" mix on the party IPod. After finding out Renee loved Damian Rice, I suggested she rent "Once". She mentioned something about being best buds with Mike Nichols, seemed quasi interested in Once, and showed me out. Years from now, if Renee sings "Falling Slowly" with Josh Groban on a TV special, you can thank me.

So, pretty great trip. I got up early on Monday morning to get back to Dallas for an afternoon of work. I got to the airport just in time, rushed to my gate, and showed my ticket. I thought it was rather suspicious that no one was around, but figured everyone had boarded and I could catch the plane in time . . . that's when the news broke. "Sir, your ticket says 9 PM, not AM". So, for the next 12 hours, I stayed in the airport on stand by. And then stayed another hour and a half because of bad weather. I could go on and on about the hellish time I had . . . let's just say I lived to tell about it.

Frankly, this was more of an informative Update than a funny one. Not that I really am ever that funny, but I figured you needed to know about my trip to Chicago. Props to David for hosting me. It was a blast.

More to come later this week.

Confessions of a Hired Gun

2008-03-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

After months on the choral scene in Dallas, I'm starting to get singing gigs. The real jumpstart was thanks to my membership in the Orpheus Chamber Singers. For those of you who don't know Orpheus, it's essentially Baylor Chamber Singers on steroids. Great singers, tough music and fabulous venues. One of my compatriots in Orpheus has a singing gig at Highland Park United Methodist Church and was out today, so he asked me to sub for him. I accepted the offer, especially since I knew it would be quite a unique experience. Little did I know how unique it would be . . .

First off, HPUMC is not as much a church as it is a Methodist town. Baylor alum Chelsea Stern is one of the cast of thousands on staff at the church . . . I think her title is something like "Intern to Vocalists within the ages of 15-16 1/2 with at least 5-6 years of vocal training, 1-2 years of private piano lessons, and access to a kazoo and/or harmonica". I expressed to her my impression that at any one time on a Sunday morning, 5-6 different services/meetings/jam sessions are going on at the same time at HPUMC. Take for instance 11 am this morning . . . there were at least a dozen Sunday School classes meeting, a traditional service in the sanctuary, a contemporary service happening in fellowship hall, a children's service in the courtyard, an Anglican service happening in the chapel, and a collection of police officers directing traffic, whose numbers only rival those of officers at the Dunkin Donuts at 7 am on a Friday morning. I don't think Randall Bradley or Terry York prepared Chelsea and I for the harsh truths of working at a church with this kind of budget. Can I request a refund from Baylor for not getting my full money's worth?

Now my buddy from Orpheus sings in the Anglican service at 11 am. It's a pretty cool deal . . . you show up at 10 am, practice a bit, then sing in the service. The quartet sings at the back with the organist and gets to look on from above to judge those in the audience, see which kids are playing video games, see who is sporting a combover to hide the bald spot, or the ladies that readjust their dresses during the Doxology. All in all, it was a great Sunday morning, but I did have a few hiccups, which I blame on my Baptist upbringing (can I get more money back from Baylor for that?)

For one, I'm used to communion being passed. Get your stale cracker, wait for everyone to be served, wait for the deacons to slowly serve themselves, wait for a few words, maybe a prayer, then enjoy the savory flavor. Same thing goes for the Welch's. Welp, as most of you know, Anglicans do things a bit differently. Fortunately, I had a bit of experience with this in the past (the infamous 2003 Luthern communion where my mother got tipsy off of her sip of Merlot). But, ol' Baptist boy had never experienced the dipping before. I'm not saying Jason Aubrey threw me under the bus, but I was the first person to take communion and looked with that glassy eyed look when the minister brought the cup over to me. Jason had to whisper "you dip it" to prompt me to stop holding up the proceedings. Since I didn't have any Skoal in my back pocket, I assumed he meant my bread, so I did as suggested and things went a bit smoother. I was shocked to find that the minister didn't lean over and say "So, you're new here, aren't you?" I guess it was pretty obvious. So, I didn't actually experience anything like the picture below, but I got through and I'm a better man for it. And Jason Aubrey is on my hit list.

The Methodists had more in store for me! As we left to go back up to our "high positions", Jason and I looked out the windows to see Carrie WalkerCraig and the children around the church hanging out with a donkey. That's right, HPUMC let an ass in the church and it wasn't even for business conference! In keeping with Palm Sunday, HPUMC had a real life donkey. I was a little disappointed that Carrie couldn't handle two donkeys like the masterful animal lover below . . . but, she did her best. I think the only real life animal FBCSA ever had was Robby Barnes when he hadn't shaved in a week. Seriously, this church knows how to do Palm Sunday, though I've sometimes wondered what Jesus would have looked like riding Robby into Jerusalem.

The children got to hang with the donkey, but the Angelican service got their own fun Palm Sunday treat. With palms in hand, we went outside the chapel and circled the block waving our palm branches and saying "Hosanna". Most of the congregates didn't say much at all . . . but we did get to flaunt our palm waiving skills for the cars on Mockingbird. Nothing helps the traffic around a heavy construction zone like a parade of Methodists waving their palm branches! No wrecks were reported, but I heard the rumor of a lawsuit from one of the Presbyterians over a wild palm branch flying into their car and staining a floor mat.

All in all, my first experience at the Methodist church was great. I might still hold a grudge against Jason, but at least I felt at home when I stole a robe and folder from a choir member a few minutes before the service. No matter denomination, it's always the same . . . 10 minutes before service time, it's open season in the robing room.

Eventually I'll write about my Chicago trip . . . if I can remember the details. Until then, just hope I will write something once a week!

Even Hillary is Mad

2008-03-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Seriously, almost a full month without a Transformation posting? Even Hillary was ready to whip out the can of whoop ass on me! Don't worry, I'm back and hoping to make up for the error of my ways. (Plus, I just wanted to post this picture because it's so damn funny).

So long Old Friend

2008-03-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

You know you've lost your touch when you start taking glamour shots that make you look like Tammy Faye. Out with Castro, in with . . . Castro? No wonder Ahmadinejad is now number one on our most hated list. Looks like Castro just couldn't keep the gay out of Cuba.

Adoption Commentary

2008-02-17T18:26:00.001-08:00

Gay rights have been at the forefront of the news in recent years. Issues like gay marriage and civil unions have been so important that politicans have added their stances as major parts of their stump speeches. Yet another issue in question is gay adoption. As many as five states have already imposed laws that make it illegal for gay couples to adopt children, and many other law makers are pushing for further legislation on the matter. Now, just take a moment to look at this scene:

First off, this adopted child is scared half to death. I mean, seriously, what do gay men know about baseball? I think they just gave him a lecture on the difference between a pitcher and a catcher, and hell, I'd be confused too! One must also question the color scheme on his shirt. Light blue and pink stripes! They are really forcing him into the lifestyle. Before you know, he'll be sporting highlights like Daddy on the right and getting manicures with Daddy on the left. Let's take another look at gay adoption:

The child on the right is clearly ashamed to be around those two guys. He is hanging his face in shame, avoiding the camera. Also, Daddy number 2 has the child in a sling, forcing him to endure the shame. It's pure torture! And don't be fooled by the pink blouse on the "sister". That's a boy. Already trying to get them in drag and they aren't crawling yet. Shameful. Now, one last look at adoption:

Look at all these happy children! They were taken back from gay men who adopted them, and are now happy living in this cage until some straight couple comes along to adopt them. Look at the child in the back. He can hardly contain his pure joy of hanging out in a holding pen with 13 of his closest buddies. What they don't know is they'll be taken on an "Adoption Drive" across 4 states to spend the winter in a milder climate. It's like Oregon Trail all over again. I just hope they don't have to spend too much money on wagon wheels, those get damn expensive in Idaho.

Now I hear the homosexuals of this country are showing interest in adopting highways. Yes, the very roadways that help our gas gussling SUVs and Hummers get us to our destinations might very well fall into the wrong hands. Imagine it, homosexuals in charge of keeping our highways clean. Hell, they can't even keep their own lives free from filth. And the street signs they might erect:

Now there's a highway adoption sign only a homosexual or a Unitarian could love. Clean up days would be just like a Pride Parade, complete with pink jumpsuits all bedazzled out. And that's if the fruits even opted to wear clothing. We'd have to have another group adopt the same stretch of road just to clean up all the glitter and fairy dust left behind.

It's a pretty easy move. Just stop gay adoption of any sort. It will keep our country safer, keep the terrorists away, improve the economy, cure cancer, keep astroids from hitting New York City, and provide everyone with health care without the government getting their greedy ass noses involved in our business. So next time you see a gay man cleaning up the road by your house, don't show off your vehicle's amazing anti-lock break system. Just plow ahead, like that car should have done in the Super Bowl commercial.

Brevity is for sissies. Tell your friends about the Update Transformation, especially if they want to pay me to write stuff for them.

Lesson #5

2008-02-17T18:08:00.000-08:00

Disappointment can turn into joy with an ace. How?

Oh yes dear Update readers, the historic fall of the Mets at the end of 2007 has been forgotten now that Mr. Johan Santana has saddled up for the ride to the Series. Notice that Omar Minaya has a snide grin on his face that says "My God, the Red Sox and Yankees are idiots". Johan Santana now joins the ranks of Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez and David Wright as the Metropolitans become a force to be reckoned with in the National League. It's a good thing, because since Bill Buckner retired, the Mets have been looking for a clutch player to get them to the title. Enter the greatest pitcher of the last 5 years (you can quote me on that). As long as he stays healthy, Mr. Santana will be entering the Hall of Fame with a Mets hat on. Thank God the Twins are cheap. Dirt cheap. These days, they wouldn't even pay for moustache grooming for Jack Morris. What a disgrace. And what a delight for Mets fans everywhere.

I celebrated by joining the Mets Podcast on ITunes.

Lesson #3

2008-02-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

Election Season can be rough for most American voters. There are numerous issues and a plentiful amount of candidates that have varying opinions on everything from immigration, the economy, and taxes to health care, abortion, and national defense. By this point, the options have been narrowed down to a small handful, but it doesn't make things any easier for voters to pick "the perfect candidate". We at The Update are not going to make a habit of telling our readers who to vote for (Mike Gravel), but we are already beginning to wonder who might be running in 2012 (if Gravel doesn't declare himself dictator before then). The Update presents to you two important leaders of our time that could be viable candidates in future Presidential elections. So, tonight, we compare these two options and discuss who might be the best for the future of the Update world. The candidates? Allen Edwards vs. John Edwards

The following will be a non-partisan look at the two proud Americans on topical issues that face The Update readers.

1. Voice and Audience

Allen: Allen Edwards is the self dubbed "Voice of Branson", the entertainment mecca that attracts nearly 7 million visitors a year. Though Branson has over 100 shows to choose from, Allen's venue of the Golden Corral is a prime location to cater to those visitors hungry for a patriotic medley and all you can eat shrimp on Wednesday nights.

John: John Edwards geared his 2008 Presidental campagin to the working class and impoverished in America. His populist campaign gained support of many blue collar workers, leading to several endorsements from important unions throughout the country. He travelled throughout the country spreading his campaign's slogan "Tomorrow Beings Today". Unfortunately, tomorrow ended January 30th when he halted his run for the Democratic nomination

Advantage: Allen Edwards. While John Edwards had hundreds coming to see him on the campaign trail, he did not have a consistent venue. John is now back at home, while Allen keeps spreading the gospel of his New America at a hallmark venue in America's heartland

2. Church and State

Allen: The climax of Allen's show is "The Message", a moving video tribute to Washington D.C. and the numerous buildings and landmarks that have Biblical references etched into their facades. Allen takes Carmen's message from "We Need God in America Today" and steps it up a notch, bringing his baker's dozen of children to the stage while singing"God Bless America" as veterns tear up in the crowd

John: This super liberal communist wants church to be totally separate from the government. Uses rhetoric like "freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom from religion" while being pro-choice and supporting civil unions. He does not encourage his children come on stage during rallies or speeches

Advantage: Allen Edwards. Manipulating audiences with off-key singing from your children is a brilliant tactic. Using religious references from America's history out of context is also a skill of a master strategist ready to rise to great political heights. Slam bunk Al!

3. Campaign Finances

Allen: Let's you set your own admission price for shows. Though some audience members are extremely generous, I know of several First Baptist San Antonio youth that scoffed at Allen's ticket price and went back for more soft serve ice cream. Definitely might have trouble pulling off a long term campaign

John: Has enormous personal resources from his days as a personal trial lawyer. Though he reaches out to the poor and less fortunate, he has several wealthy backers that agree with his policies.

Advantage: John Edwards. That smile alone is worth several million in donations. Perhaps Allen needs to go hit Yakov Smirnoff for some cash.

4. Crime

Allen: As a former Houston Police Officer, Allen knows all about cleaning up the streets of a major metropolitan area. Don't let that bedazzled vest fool you. He still knows how to spot a 95 Buick Le Sabre doing 31 in a school zone, and he's not afraid to bust out a citizen's arrest on a punk ass AARP member who illegally parks in the red zone in front of the Golden Corral.

John: Believes in the death penalty, but wants to take away mandatory minimums for sentences on large crimes. Translation? Wimp who got bullied in grade school.

Advantage: Allen Edwards. He's kicking ass and taking names while Johnny Boy is getting his teeth whitened.

5. Wife

Allen: Though not much is known about Allen's wife, we do know she cakes on makeup better than any Baptist deacon's wife we know, and she looks after the gaggle of kids in the Edwards home. Definitely a pro life household.

John: Wife has supported husband while fighting breast cancer.

Advantage: John Edwards. Makeup is a hard act to follow, but Elizabeth Edwards' support of her husband through medical difficulties is amazing.

6. Hair

Allen: Years of $10 trims at Super Cuts have worked for this suave performer. You can hardly smell the AquaNet as he glides by your chair during a performance of "Kiss an Angel Good Morning". The perfect addition to his charismatic stage presence, Susan McCool was actually heard at the buffet line exclaiming "That Allen Edwards has it going on".

John: Rumors of a $10 billion dollar hair cut on the campaign trail are slightly exaggerated (CNN reports the value being closer to $3.5 billion), but the results are staggering. You certainly don't want to go out on the road looking like Don King.

Advantage: Even. Seriously, these guys both look like they could be heartthrobs on a remake of 90210. Watch out Dylan!

Results. Well, looks like the totals leave us at 3-2-1, advantage Allen Edwards. The Update plans to be in Iowa in the Fall of 2011 to see if Allen Edwards will take a road tour from the great state of Missouri to a sister heartland state with "The Message" campaign bus. We at the Update are already having daydreams of a ticket of Allen Edwards/Joel Osteen 2012. You heard it here first.

Brevity is for sissies. So is voting for anyone other than Mike Gravel.

How to Become a Featured Blog

2008-02-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

As to this point, The Update will only be recommending blogs that it deems worthy of mention. Most likely, these will be your personal blogs of our readers. Currently, three such blogs have been added. They are:

Lacy's Blog: Lacy is a dear friend that I met while waiting tables at the Olive Garden. She is a great gal and one of the best artists I've ever known. Even in the candid photos she takes, there is an artistic flare. I highly recommend you check out her blog, especially for the pics!

Marchbanks Blog: Blog for Ryan and Hilary Marchbanks, though I think Hils has a tight grasp on the content. Hilary gets mad props for actually plugging The Update Transformation in a recent entry. Since I've always hungry for new people to read my ramblings, a special thanks for Hilary to suckering her friends into clicking over to this site.

Krall Blog: Geoff Krall is one of my best and long time friends. He, his wife, and their two children have a villa in South Austin, and though he's a full time teacher, husband, and father, he still finds time to write a hilarious blog. Geoff is a funny funny guy, and his blog (named after the 2nd track of Sufjan Steven's Avalanche album) is a credit to his humor. Seriously, I need to hire Geoff out as a writer for my blog.

So, if you want your blog to be added to my list of suggestions, hit me up with an e-mail.

jonny_greer@yahoo.com

Please note: if your blog is just a never ending love letter to Zac Efron . . . fantastic. You'll get a huge seal of approval from us!

Lesson #1

2008-02-09T19:34:00.000-08:00

Being raised in a family like mine led to a lot of rump fatigue. Rather than fly to destinations, we expanded trips by taking the nifty Isuzu Pup on trips. Like many Americans in the late 1980s, my father fell into a trance after watching Joe Isuzu speak with wild abandon about the great talent and skill of the Pup. In all honesty, the Pup served to be a vital part of the Greer lifestyle well into the 90s, for it served the function of transport vehicle of choice for local high school teacher, company truck for the family owned and operated irrigation company, nightmare mode of transportation for 4th grader Jonny G. as his brother attempted to drive shift stick on a Sunday morning, and family road trip enabler. (Side note: I still have nightmares about Eric's horrid attempt to drive us to church while the 'rents were out of town. I wake up in cold sweats with the sounds of an angry clutch dancing in my head. I feared the Pup would actually blow up on McCullough that Sunday morning. Only my earnest prayers during the morning service kept the truck from surviving the massacre.

Like most Pup owners, my father opted to put a shell on the truck bed, which served to be a great idea for its 2nd function as company vehicle. For family trips, Father and Brother would go clean out the truck bed and replace pipe, fittings and nozzles with an elevated mattress. To keep correspondence flowing between the cockpit and the business class, my father bought a "boot" that would keep the back window open without deadly toxics, bugs, fleas, ticks and hippies from flying into the truck and shell. This also was a safety net in case my brother decided to slap me for no good reason, or force me to eat raisins. And most importantly, it allowed me to hear the music in the cockpit, which usually consisted of the same Kingston Trio tape that had 8 songs that played on a continuous loop. While my brother was listening to mix tapes including Rush, Genesis, REM, and U2, I was stuck in folk hell, memorizing the lyrics to "Seasons in the Sun". Fortunately, my mother refrained from dressing me vertical stripes, so the folk transformation was never completed.

From an early age, I learned that bringing enjoyable items of leisure were a must on family trips. These usually included word searches (sudoku was still a twinkle in someone's eye), my Game Boy (purchased from my earnings from work in the family business), and books. These days, my Game Boy doesn't even work and I find word searches to be a bit boring, so I stick to reading books. Fortunately, my recent travels have not been in an Isuzu Pup, but rather, with American Airlines. I keep thinking that the two round trip flights I take a year will gross me a free trip to Hawaii, but all I've gotten from American Airlines lately are junk email and delayed flights. Take for instance my recent trip to Chicago . . .

Friday: My flight departed DFW at 9:30 am. This would put me in at O'Hare around 12pm, which would allow me to eat a late lunch with my childhood friend David Portillo, tenor superstar. The flight left right on time, and though the weather was a bit snowy and quite chilly in Chicago, we were expected to land on time. I counted my blessings that the young lady next to me was as anti-social as my brother on trips, so I was able to break out my Ipod and my novel and keep to myself. This is a crucial issue in my recent travels, because the last time I went to Chicago, I got stuck listening to a woman who openly initiated and elaborated (without prompting or encouragement) on her lifelong battle with herpes. I really wish I was making that up. I cried myself to sleep that night. But anyway, I received my Dr. Pepper (my last one for 3 days because you can't get a damn Dr. Pepper in Chicago because they are heathens) and I was deeply involved with my reading of The Hours (which is very much like the movie, but amazingly written, and so worthy of the Pulitzer Prize is won). Now, being so involved with my book, I didn't initially realize that the woman that had been seated in front of me had gotten up and had started serving drinks. Once I finally caught on, I thought it was rather odd, but I figured she was teaching the shoddy flight attendants a lesson for neglecting our section of the aircraft (like those moments when you get your own water pitcher in a restaurant and when the manager comes over, you say something really snide and witty like "oh, everyone seemed much to busy talking about where they wanted to have cosmos after they got off, so I figured it was my cue to save myself from getting dehydrated". Soon, the woman put on an AA flight attendant badge, so I figured the older woman with heavy makeup that had served me earlier had gone to the tanning bed located at the back of the plane, or was receiving eye liner tips from the male flight attendant in first class. Well, turns out I was wrong. The flight attendants were indeed quite competant, and were tending to a man who had suffered a minor stroke during flight. Long story short, we had to make an emergency landing in St. Louis to let the gentleman off, and after landing, they found some issues with the plane that had to be fixed, so I didn't land in Chicago until 1:30 pm. The good news? I finished the book. The bad news? I didn't get any nuts. You have to pay for the damn things.

Monday: My flight departed at 9:00 am, putting me in Dallas around noon so I could show up and work that afternoon at the hotel (the reason for my departure on Monday morning instead of Sunday night is a subject of another entry to come). Well, after a long night out, I hustled myself together in suit and tie, and woke up David just in time to get to the airport to catch my flight. I walked swiftly to the terminal and at 8:45 am, found it odd that no one was around. I went to a neighboring terminal and asked the woman at the desk if she knew if I could still make the flight. She looked at my boarding pass and said "Your flight doesn't leave 'til 9 pm, not 9 am. I can put you on stand by if you want". That's right, in my rush to change my flight time to Monday morning, I made the mistake of booking a flight at 9:00 PM. Like the fool that I am, I decided to put my name on stand by and camp out at the airport in hopes of getting on the flight. Of course, AA decided to overbook every flight on MLK Day, and since the weather was sucky throughout the country, you can imagine how my day ended up. Lots of people watching, two meals from McDonalds, a beer and salad from Chili's, and a delayed flight that finally left O'Hare at 11:45 pm. What does a person do in an airport for 14 hours? Well, read the back of novel (in this case, The Road), call random people to whine about your pathetic luck, and people watch. Thankfully, my father taught me the fine art of people watching, so I took it all in. The airport, like the bowling alley, is the great equalizer of society. From the dregs to the upper echelon of society, they all come out of the woodwork. It was the only thing that saved my sanity, realizing there are so many others than need more psychological help than I do. And at 3 am, I got under the covers and just thanked God I was home.

So, the lesson is to always take a book on trips. And, an amendment to this rule: always bring a back up, you might need it.

Brevity is for sissies. More lessons to come.

Lesson #2

2008-02-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

Face it readers. This week is a SUPER week. Let's run down why it's just so SUPER.

1. The Super Bowl! Duh, the superest of all the super duper events in life happened just last night. Boy, it was a doozie. It took on Biblical heights as the Evil, no good Goliath franchise of the Giants took on the Onward, Christian soliders, let's sling 'em with a rock Patriots. Of course, we all know who wins this battle. God's mighty warrior wins and then rapes the neighbor's wife because she got all naked like in the window. Wait . . . hold on . . . I just got a late breaking telegram. You mean to tell me the GIANTS were actually the underdog? Talk about a poor judgment in franchise mascot! I guess this brings forth a total readjustment of who to root for. Let's see . . . Bill Belichick . . .

Ah yes, Satan himself. The evil doer who dared to spy on our innocent Jets in the early moments of the dawning season with his glaring, beady little eyes. Shame on you William. Yes, the evil little devil that fooled us by taking on the form of pure and utter beauty. Even with the butt chin, the deception is still strong and oh so naughty! It just didn't seem right for a man to have such much power over us. Stop staring at me your viper! It isn't right to let you go 18-0. Please let there be a young, innocent sheperd out there, a cute little angel to save us from such a horrible thing. The 72 Dolphins plead to have someone heal our wounded land! Who could help the arrogance of the old codgers continue for another year, another decade, and perhaps another lifetime. Who could provide such solace, such commitment, such hope?

Ah yes, the angel we all hoped for came, in the form of the prophet, Eli. Oh doubting Tom Tom, giving your soul to Satan was not a wise move. With a comeback coming to its coda through the heroics of a young man with the most Biblical of all names, Plaxico, our faith was preserved.

What have we learned from this lesson? You should have learned the answer in Vacation Bible School, but apparently most of America forgot. So, the Update reminds you of one simple fact. Satan never wins. Ever. Super Bowl XLII taught us that simple rule yet again.

2. Super Tuesday! Tomorrow, a bunch of saps who actually think the political system works in this country will go to the polls to vote for candidates who are trying to be the next sorry sap that we get to beat up on for at least 4 years. It's a beautiful thing, democracy. The Update is taking bets on how many votes Mike Gravel will get tomorrow. We are providing the following mulitple choice answers:

A. The number of times Dennis Kucinich has seen a UFO over the past 10 years

B. The number of times Mitt Romney has attempted to channel the legacy of Ronald Reagan to distract Southern Baptist voters into thinking he's not Mormon

C. The number of times Hilary Clinton has taken her husband aside after a rally and said "Thanks for digging me another hole to climb out of."

D. The number of times Katie Couric has been caught on tape saying something obscene or bitchy about a candidates significant other.

Unfortunately, the Update feels we are overestimating the estimated vote for Gravel. But, perhaps Katie Couric will finally get fired tonight from CBS for poor ratings and we might have a more realistic number out of the four options.

3. Super Ash Wednesday! Due to the record breaking ratings for the Super Bowl broadcast, and the record breaking numbers expected at the polls tomorrow, Pope Benedict has decided to spice up the Ash Wednesday service at the Vatican. Pregame festivities will include a catfish fry outside the cathedral, followed by a rocked out musical version of Psalm 51 by Tiffany (pregame shows this year are definitely focused on the comebacks of 80s pop stars). After the pomp and circumstance, things would settle down and Ol' Benny would dust off the regular stand by Mass and get at it. But, halftime would be a special treat, because the special guest would be . . .

That's right! Everyone's favorite little swift boater. What better way to make a SUPER week then have Mr. Kerry address masses. He will certainly take the opportunity to encourage the faithful to use plenty of ketchup on their fish during the 40 days of Lent. Gotta keep the money rolling in!

The service ends with Mike Huckabee running up and telling a few folksy jokes that makes the crowd giggle with glee and then buy McCain t-shirts.

I encourage all your readers out there to go out and enjoy this SUPER week. Think of the many lessons the Update has yet to address. That's something super to look forward to.

Brevity is for sissies. And Updates are for the true American Gladiators.

The Transformation Begins

2008-02-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

After a lengthy committee meeting with myself, I have decided to make a major change in the life of the Update. This did not come without much sweat, many tears, kicking AND screaming. But, alas, I decided to conform to the masses and transform The Update to blog form. This allows my faithful readers to keep their e-mail boxes empty, and those subscribers who didn't know they were getting this informative newsletter from getting more junk mail. Over the next week, I will try to update you with recent events after a long absence. Topics being discussed include:

Lesson #1: Why you should always bring a book on a trip
Lesson #2: Satan never wins
Lesson #3: Picking a presidental candidate can be difficult
Lesson #4: Chicago is truly a toddlin' town
Lesson #5: Disappointment can turn to joy with an ace

That is a lot to deal with. Fear not friends, I will do my best to fulfill my promise. Please be patient as I try to figure this place out. Blogs are a foreign land to the feeble minded author of The Update. Stay tuned . . . I'm hoping to get a gig with a local publication out of this.